The essence
of a good marriage is respect for each other’s personality combined with that
deep intimacy, physical, mental and spiritual, which makes a serious love
between man and woman the most fructifying of all human experiences. Such love,
like everything that is great and precious, demands its own morality, and
frequently entails a sacrifice of the less to the greater, but such sacrifice
must be voluntary, for where it is not, it will destroy the very basis of the
love for the sake of which it is made.
-
Bertrand
Russell, Marriage & Morals (1929)
Interestingly, the celebrated writer in
question as per Wikipedia fell in love with a girl called Alys, married her
against his grandmother’s wishes but the marriage fell apart when he realised
one fine day while cycling that he no longer loved her. He has also been the
perpetrator of a seemingly passionate string of affairs with several women of
high standing and fame, during his lifetime.
Not to mar his credibility or understanding
of the human tendencies that kill a marriage or the singular deep-seated
factors that ensure a happy one, I second him on his insightful discourse on
the secret of sustaining wedlock. Having been at the receiving end of several
queries with regards to how to be happy and married from friends, colleagues
and relations, I have often been in a dilemma as to how to approach this
question. In a day and age where marriage is rapidly assuming different
meanings for a modern generation which is increasingly questioning conventional
bonds and institutes, I am in a fix as to whether to propagate the holy
sanctity of it or adopt a cynical stand like a victim who has been inflicted
with much pain having undergone the experience of being betrothed myself.
Let
me begin by saying there is no one formula to a happy marriage. Different
individuals have different demands and expectations from it. However, even if
we were to assume that everyone finally aspires to be loved and love his or her
partner in equal proportions, the above observation made by Russell would hold
true for both parties. However, thanks to the deeply entrenched mesh of family
values, orthodox mindsets, gender bias, narrow mindedness, religious and
cultural stigmas and traditional patriarchal dominance, marriages are
unnervingly tilted to offer unlimited benefits to the man in our society. This
has meant a snatching away of everything a woman may hold dear in her maternal
household- right from her name, her freedom, her right to expressing an opinion,
her independence, financial status and in extreme cases what she can eat, when
she should fast, what she should be doing during her menstrual cycle, how many
kids she should have- a woman after marriage is to not have any right to her
own mind, body and soul.
That said, marriages are clearly working out
differently in urban societies today. Increasingly, you may find the husband
sharing household responsibilities, even nurturing kids while the wife goes to
work, encouraging financial independence for his partner, moving in to her
maternal home without taking a hit to his ego, planning a family based on the
mother-to-be’s wishes and so on. Essentially letting the wife be without
getting threatened or insecure about the choices she will end up making. Like #Deepika Padukone in the #VogueEmpower video states: It is her choice indeed.
Unfortunately, a majority of women even in this century do not get to exercise
exactly that- their choice and you would be appalled to see the same country
that so eagerly embraces a western outlook when it comes to their sons, is driven
to subjugate daughters so that they are used to being treated as secondary in
their marital homes.
As
to answering the reverberating question of whether it is indeed possible to be
happily married at all, I will let Mr. Russell answer that for you. Read on:
It is
possible for a civilised man and woman to be happy in marriage, although if
this is to be the case a number of conditions must be fulfilled. There must be
a feeling of complete equality on both sides, there must be no interference
with mutual freedom, there must be the most complete physical and mental
intimacy; and there must be a certain similarity in regard to standard of
values. (It is fatal for example, if one values only money while the other
values only good work.) Given all these conditions, I believe marriage to be
the best and most important relation that can exist between two human beings.
If it has not been realised hitherto, that is chiefly because husbands and
wives have regarded themselves as each other’s policemen. If marriage is to
achieve its possibilities, husbands and wives must learn to understand that
whatever the law must say, in their private lives they must be free.
Amen to that.
