The amount of badmouthing and foreboding that these aunties do can give AIB competition! And if you are a new mother, then you know exactly what I am talking about. So everyone from the woman in the metro to an overtly interfering neighbour, your own chachi to the woman who sells you incense sticks…everyone has an opinion on the new member in your life- your new born kid. And no matter how many books and baby knowledge centres and clubs you are privy to, they will shun all that you know, and insist on being the voice of Divine Providence, sent down on earth to rescue your ignoramus brain from the clutches of common sense.
Here are a few tips, tirades and travails I have been subjected to:
You are going to have a baby now. Time to start eating lots of ghee. It will help the baby grow fat and healthy.
Your baby is born now. She is not fat which means she is NOT healthy.
You are not putting on too much weight which means you are not fat which means you are NOT healthy.
You are pregnant. Wait till you get those nausea pangs. The first three months will kill your appetite if not make you sick to the core.
If you had a smooth first trimester, oh you don’t even know the hardest part yet. Wait till the seventh month when your baby starts kicking in the night and you start having sleepless nights and anxiety pangs.
You are in your ninth month. Oh, you don’t know what’s coming. Normal deliveries are the most painful way you could have a kid. The labour pain may just last for more than a day. You could go unconscious in the midst of labour or the baby may not be in the right position. But make sure the only way you have the delivery is normal. All the best with the pain :D
C section? Are you insane? Is the doctor insane? No way. It is the most painful way to have a baby. You will have a paunch and those ugly staple marks to show for life. And back aches, and migraines.
Your baby is born. Get ready to suffer sleepless nights when you got to get up every two hours to feed.
What?? Your baby is not toilet trained at 1 already? Take her to the loo every half an hour. She doesn’t want to piss. Make her. Make these ‘ssss’ sounds.
Keep the baby without diapers. So what if she is soiling the bed? A diaper free baby means more work and that is exactly what you have signed up for, new mommy! :D
Is she teething? Prepare for runny diapers and feverish babies crying out in the middle of the night.
She is a toddler and is walking away to glory. Ah, you think you have crossed the bridge, do you? Wait till she starts going to school and coming back with lice, the common cold and even scratches from a fight.
If after reading these helpful nuggets of AIA wisdom, you still look forward to the so-called joys of parenthood, you have passed the test. After all, what is gain without pain? Right?
Your baby is born now. She is not fat which means she is NOT healthy.
You are not putting on too much weight which means you are not fat which means you are NOT healthy.
You are pregnant. Wait till you get those nausea pangs. The first three months will kill your appetite if not make you sick to the core.
If you had a smooth first trimester, oh you don’t even know the hardest part yet. Wait till the seventh month when your baby starts kicking in the night and you start having sleepless nights and anxiety pangs.
You are in your ninth month. Oh, you don’t know what’s coming. Normal deliveries are the most painful way you could have a kid. The labour pain may just last for more than a day. You could go unconscious in the midst of labour or the baby may not be in the right position. But make sure the only way you have the delivery is normal. All the best with the pain :D
C section? Are you insane? Is the doctor insane? No way. It is the most painful way to have a baby. You will have a paunch and those ugly staple marks to show for life. And back aches, and migraines.
Your baby is born. Get ready to suffer sleepless nights when you got to get up every two hours to feed.
What?? Your baby is not toilet trained at 1 already? Take her to the loo every half an hour. She doesn’t want to piss. Make her. Make these ‘ssss’ sounds.
Keep the baby without diapers. So what if she is soiling the bed? A diaper free baby means more work and that is exactly what you have signed up for, new mommy! :D
Is she teething? Prepare for runny diapers and feverish babies crying out in the middle of the night.
She is a toddler and is walking away to glory. Ah, you think you have crossed the bridge, do you? Wait till she starts going to school and coming back with lice, the common cold and even scratches from a fight.
If after reading these helpful nuggets of AIA wisdom, you still look forward to the so-called joys of parenthood, you have passed the test. After all, what is gain without pain? Right?
PS. I have kept away from the superstitions and rites of passage I was asked to be part of because all that is another story altogether.
