Many people poohed-poohed my vision as I earnestly laid out
my future plans before them. Some betted on how many months it would take for
me to show the white flag on my mission impossible. And others even tried to ‘comfort’
me saying I was just tired and needed a break and would bounce back, eager to
get back in the fray. I mean, whoever heard of quitting a glorious,
full-fledged, roaring career in the media for which you slogged and struggled
for a good many years of your life to achieve the status and position you did
and then gave it all up on a whim. It was hard and yet it was a decision
waiting to be made. It was no longer the drive to achieve something further or
a better ambition that prevailed. All I wanted is to sit back and enjoy a phase
of my life I had simultaneously ushered in while balancing work, without
actually calculating the ramifications or the intensity it held for me and the
people involved. I no longer wanted to walk the tight rope, in danger of
swinging right off it and in to an abyss deep down below, never to be able to
rise up again.
I realised that while steadily walking up the professional
ladder had given me immense satisfaction, a thriving social life and adequate
intellectual exercise with a chance to flex my creative muscle not to mention
the security of financial support, it had also left little space for me to
indulge in any responsibility that was deeply personal, time-consuming or intrinsically
thought-provoking. I seemed to have reduced myself to a mere pawn on a
chessboard, moving the fixed or pre-planned number of paces to attain a
definite goal laid out before me. Suddenly I wanted to let go, take a risky
plunge and find out if I had it in me to not play safe for once. I wanted to
find out if letting go of the familiar was going to end up making me feel like
a fish out of water. Also, if the challenge I had taken on would overwhelm me
into crawling back in to the tunnel I had got out of or help me explore a side
to me I never knew existed. Thankfully I am glad I did what I did and have no
regrets giving up everything I knew I was good at to try adding a new life
skill to my existing ones- being the primary caretaker to my two year old kid!
Initially, it felt easy and before I knew it, I was already
matching steps to the new jig. Taking my kid through the paces of a new
environment of play school, adapting her time-table to mine and generally being
there for her at all times, without resenting the sleepless nights or the
endurance-testing tantrums I was subjected to came naturally to me. Having been
raised by a mother who was a homemaker has actually built a different
understanding of being a mother in my head- it meant that no matter what
happens, you have to shoulder the child’s responsibility- from attending to her
biological needs to training her to work on a schedule, developing her social
and mental abilities to understanding her desires without her having to express
them. Having experienced a childhood where I have seen my mother be a loving,
dedicated and selfless caretaker who evolved into a confidante, friend and
companion for life, I wanted to follow the same pattern. Being the mother who
leaves home with a cursory hug in the morning to her kid to the one who comes
back home too famished to even put up with the child’s newest antic therefore
made me shudder.
No matter how much we argue about this, being a working
mother highly limits our interaction and motivational levels as far as
motherhood is concerned. Since a lot of tasks that were earlier primarily a
mother’s domain get shared or distributed right from cooking, teaching manners
and language skills, taking a child through the discovery of hobbies and
talent, holding on a conversation without a particular purpose, playing etc.
one is reduced to choosing one or two tasks out of these that can be
realistically squeezed in to the remaining hours of the day left after one
comes back from work. This would mean a child’s interaction and activity in
your presence is marginalised and there is always the risk of missing out on a
lot that a child learns and absorbs as he/she grows up. Observing this process
of development and nurturing the inner potential that a child has is crucial
for his/her future. It is this part of Pihu’s life I wished to be engaged in
knowing that this will never come back again. Even if I plan to have another
child, the mental enrichment that you get from this process yourself will only
help you in raising your next. Lastly, I didn’t wish to be the 7 pm mom who
comes back home to ask her child how was her day at the age of 3, when she is
too young to even grasp what comprises ‘summing up’ really, and when she would
rather have me be a part of it. After all, most of the new skills she is
picking up on are lost in translation between her limited communication skills
and your eagerness to assume that she is doing just fine.
I once went to a friend’s office to meet her where one of
her colleagues seemed rather panic-stricken and trying to get through to
someone on her phone. After numerous attempts of trying to call someone up, she
finally got through, asked a few pertinent questions to an adult briskly and
finally asked to speak to her toddler who was apparently bawling away in the
background. The one-sided conversation went somewhat like this I believe:
Mom: Eeshu, aap ro kyu rahe ho? Maine kaha na theek ho
jayega. Aap aunty ko pareshaan nahi karo. Haan. Haan. Chocolate mil jayega.
Chips bhi. Cycle? Nahi beta. Cycle birthday pe milegi kaha tha na? Nahi...Papa?
Papa ne kya kaha tha? Toh pehle aap acche bachche bano toh sahi. Aap roge toh
kaise milegi? Nahi birthday pe, abhi nahi. Abhi nahi Eshu. Eshu, chalo ab mujhe
phone rakhna hai. Haan ok. Main baat karungi Papa se. Nahi cycle maine promise
nahi ki thi. Main baat karungi. Ok bye. And stop crying please!
If dealing with kids can be difficult at home, imagine how
tough it can be to deal with your kid sitting in an office far away while he
decides to kick up a fuss over something irrelevant. In our guilt to absolve
ourselves from our absence in their lives, we are even willing to pander to
their every whim and who can blame us? This is our attempt to fill the void we
have created from the child when we entrusted him to the care of people other
than us. This is not to say that children of working parents have lesser or
lighter bonds with their parents. Children these days are so adaptable that
they actually manage to figure out their situation pretty soon and willingly adjust
to their new environment- made up of grandparents, teachers, nannies, friends
and neighbours in the absence of their parents. A majority of these kids become
self-disciplined, smart and extremely social given their circumstances and as
per studies, appreciate the fact that both their parents are financially
independent go-getters at later stages of their lives.
So yes, in stead of judging those parents who leave the
responsibility of child-rearing to others, I would rather stick to my
perception of why I decided to stay back home and put my career on the backseat
and my child on my lap when she turned two. My decision is more selfish than
selfless the way I see it. While a lot of my friends applaud my courage at
being able to give everything up for my kid, I feel this is my way of ensuring
that I have my fill of seeing her grow up. This time with Pihu has helped me
gain key nuggets to understanding her personality which is just about
developing- what irks her, what makes her smile, what she likes, what she
dislikes, when she is likely to be upset, what will raise her spirits etc.
Seeing her learn to make choices, imitate us (because parents are usually the
first role models kids have), take decisions, express her opinion and most
fascinating of all, gauging her ability to understand real-life situations from
her perspective, answering her endless questions to quench her thirst for
knowledge, holding her hand as she discovers the world around her- there is so much
more to being a parent than what I thought it entails. Every minute you think
the child enlightens herself is a lesson of discovery for you as a parent as
well. Every child’s journey of growing
up is personal as it is unique and you play a big role in shaping it right. I
am just trying to play my part well. So that whenever I actually do get back to
a professional environment again, I will not have to rue the fact that I missed
out on the magic of raising a child through her most fragile stages.
Meanwhile, here are five easy DIY tips to how to make the
most of being a stay-at-home mom, no matter how short- lived this tenure might
be:
-
Pick up a hobby yourself.
-
Exercise, get fit, get in shape.
-
Keep a journal. Write a book. Share your stories
on a parenting platform.
- Build a circle of reliable and progressive
friends, relatives and well-wishers who ALWAYS think POSITIVE!
-
Take up a job that you can pursue from home,
join an NGO part-time or simply spare no opportunity to spend time with your
loved ones especially elders in the family. They will treasure these moments
more than you realise it. It’s not just the young or too young who crave companionship
and good listeners.
