The Disgrace of Monaco

(The Jhopda office.)

The awards on the display wall gleam bright in the mid-day sun. Colourful posters of glitzy heroes serenading dreamgirls in the Swiss Alps adorn the precincts of the tastefully done up office. Memoirs of an illustrious legacy still going strong. A huge life size picture of the veteran showman himself occupies pride of place in the spacious den. A bespectacled rather diminutive looking man with a perpetual frown on his face and worry lines on his forehead seems to be tallying some numbers on a neatly typed sheet of paper. The phone rings waking him from his concentrated efforts at making sense of it all.

Tujhe dekha toh ye jaana sanam, pyar hota hai deewana sanam….

He picks up the phone.

A: Yes, my queen. A very good morning to you.

R: Errr. It’s 12 in the afternoon, Adi. When will you learn to make use of that Swiss watch I gifted you after your last hit film earned 200 crores at the box office? Oof! You and your absent mindedness.

A: Oh ya, sorry. Lost track of time. Have been looking at these accounts for the past couple of hours. They don’t seem to match up. When was the last time we threw a party for friends? Why don’t I remember this?

R: Hai meri jaan. How can you be so slow. It was last week to celebrate our shaadi which took place last month. Obviously you don’t remember because you weren’t present for both.

A: Oh, errr, wait…ya of course. Now I remember. But of course I was present in both. Behind the screen remember. Don’t you remember I put the sindoor in your maang darling?

R: Yeah, by thrusting your hand through the gauze like screen that hid you from the public eye in case someone captured our pic on their smartphone and surreptitiously mailed it to every journo and tabloid in town.

A: That’s the beauty of being a filmmaker sweetheart, you always get to stay behind the screen J He he.

R: Grrrr…anyway. Ok listen, I called because today I plan to make my first public appearance after marriage at that big NGO event happening in town. It’s in the neighbourhood and all the media will be there to click me after marriage. Don’t you think you should come with me?

A: Event? Media? Click? No no no click and no pic. No sound bytes or photo ops. I am out of this. The last time they shot us together was at Mumbai airport after our cosy vacation abroad. I still cringe when I see that picture they have been pasting over any kind of news related to me.

R: That’s because you never give a chance to the photogs to take a decent pic of you. Today is the perfect opportunity with me by your side. Come on, let’s do this. How will it look if people see a new bride who comes unescorted by her beau. What will I tell people?

A:  Use your 1000 watt smile babes. It’s what sealed the deal for me. He he. And no need to go alone love. Take Ma with you. Anyway, she could do with a change of air….(the phone gets disconnected)

Sighing, Aditya gets back to replacing the account sheets with his files full of unread scripts.

His brother Uday enters.

U: Yo bro, what’s up what’s up. (Puts his legs up on the table and hums…Dhoom dhoom…)

A: Chote how many times have I told you not to make such a dramatic entry. It has not worked in a single film of yours till date. What makes you think it works in real life? At least the audience can swear in your face. Main tera bhai hoke who bhi nahi kar sakta.

U: Chill bhai chill. I think bhabhi se baat hui hai. She is going for that event today right?

A: Yeah whatever. She knows me better than to expect me to accompany her there.

U: Main chala jata yaar. What the…Isi bahane do chaar photo kheechva leta with some sizzling newbie stars. I have heard that pretty looking chick who was in your last film is going to be there. As well as my ex-cum-occasionally still around gf.

A: Uday, please grow up. I think you need to start working on your new avatar of a Hollywood film producer. You have just come back after rubbing shoulders with Nicole Kidman on the red carpet at Cannes. You need to start thinking big now.

U: I am Adi bro. I was thinking big even at that moment. I realised how big my feet looked as compared to the dainty feet of Nicole’s. And how big and overpowering her aura was in front of me. The moment when she gently stepped on my foot and turned her face away when I attempted to plant a kiss on her cheek also hurt…BIG time!

A: Well, you know no one knows you there.

U: Like anyone knows you huh.

A: Precisely why I made you the face of this division. At least if the film didn’t do good business, it wouldn’t make me lose face when people ripped it apart in the reviews. I steered clear of this business so that my credibility in holding up the YRJ banner remained intact.

U: Oh come on. What do you mean, I don’t have a reputation? Dude, the man at the parking lot at Cannes told me he had seen all my films and especially loved me in the one where Matt Damon gets to beat up the shit out of me. He thought I was a natural.

A: Really he did. Except that without googling you wouldn’t even know who Matt Damon is. So when did you get so convincingly beaten up by him I wonder.

U: You don’t get it do you? This fan of mine was trying to say I resembled that guy who got beaten up. He was just too conscious to compare me because he knows my stature in the Indian film industry.

A: You mean that of a side hero’s side kick?

U: Ugh…it’s no use making sense to you. I need to connect with like-minded people. And fyi, Nicole loved my black tux. She wants to buy a similar one for Keith. And that reminds me. You have to pay for the facial, Thai spa massage and the tux that I wore for the event. They’ve been irritating the shit out of me. Everytime I get an ISD call and think it’s those Americans to discuss some new script it’s someone from the housekeeping of the hotel I stayed in wanting to clear my laundry bills.

A: Lol. They have Thai spas at French hotels? And what good does a facial do to you if you get spurned by Nicole even for a peck on your cheek. I am not paying for those expenses you incurred buddy. Or wait, let me see if I can adjust it to the paycheque you last received for your role in Dhoom 3. (taps some keys on his pocket calculator) Nah, they don’t suffice. You owe me bro. I’ll put that in your account till the next Dhoom film.

U: Oh you just know how to ruin my morning don’t you. You wait till my next Hollywood film sends the cash registers ringing from Los Angeles to Tokyo and everyone from Jackie Chan to Robert Downey Jr. wants to work with me.

A: Hmm…I will wait indeed. Now if you allow me, I have to get back to my script reading.

U: Huh, what do you know about how much effort it takes to lobby for a film so that someone big in Hollywood okays the script and decides to star in it. It’s crazy bro. Tera kya hai, you don’t need to worry jab tak your script mein hai Khan.

A: Ooo…getting witty with titles. Speaking of which, next time you name an English film, try not to popularise a domestic biscuit brand without getting them to sponsor some part of the film. Remind me to connect you with our aggressive marketing team for this if you can’t do it yourself.

U: Dude, you are rude. (Walks off in a huff only to retrace his steps). Btw, Abhi and I caught up at Cannes. We were having a ball of a time standing on the sidelines letting our leading ladies enjoy centrestage you see. He wants to talk to you about this amazing superhero script he overheard being talked about by this well-known director who made that amazing Spiderman flick. So he so said may be next time he can be part of this film under my new banner and we can both take the lead by showcasing our film at the next Cannes. Abhi wants to make an entry in one of those autos he drove in our last film. Do you think they’ll let us do that? It will be like a coming of age film for the both of us. Ash bhabhi can probably put in an appearance in the film but I am thinking my ex-cum-occasionally on and off gf will make a good co-star opposite Abhi. The biatch owes me one after I took her sailing to the Gulf Coast last year. (Winks and turns away in a filmy swagger)

Just imagine…Abhi and me enter the gala event on our cool Hayabusas. Roll sound Dhoom Dhoom.