Try as you might you cannot refute the fact that parenting is a huge responsibility that involves a load of self-sacrifice no one sees coming. I have a confession to make and I do feel I am not the only mom around who thinks this way. When I hear singles or bachelors or even women who are married but with no kids complain or whinge about how busy their lives are and how they get no me-time, all I do is scoff and mentally judge them for being silly. As a mother who has to balance home and child along with a job, it makes little sense to me why they get no time for themselves off-work hours. What are they doing with all that time that I spend running around my child, doing pick ups-drop offs, playing with her, studying with her, managing her lunch and snack boxes and taking her for extra-curricular activities? How many moms can deny that they had more time on their hands before kids as compared to after? And how many of us want that time back when we could go out for drinks with a friend on a whim, catch a late night movie in the theatre, take a dip in the tub or the neighbourhood pool without keeping time or share a laugh with the hubby over a lunch date on a Sunday discussing whether a trek up the mountains would be on the agenda on our next holiday?
Post-Covid times, mothers have felt the pinch even more as their children have accomplished a complete invasion of their space and lives. So even those women who could run for cover from their children in the name of a full-time job have to now work for that job, from home, with kid/s in tow. Ouch! I feel you moms, oh I do. In a casual catch-up conversation with my school friend, I asked her if she was planning to have more children after her daughter who is now four years old. She laughed it off saying her husband and her (both teachers) were barely managing to keep their jobs afloat while working from home, bribing, cajoling, convincing and even bargaining with their girl to give them a couple of hours of uninterrupted class time online with their students.
Another friend of mine made this observation about how we as parents have become really involved in our children’s lives without meaning to be. Our parents or that generation had too much on their hands to bother spending time with us. We as children depended on neighbourhood kids, relatives, cousins and classmates for playtime and friendly banter. Our children also seem to be more hyperactive these days. Whereas we as kids simply sat and behaved on a long car ride or in a restaurant, we barely see children without a mobile phone or sitting still watching the clouds float in a park these days, right? As nuclear families became the norm and we started cocooning ourselves in our homes thanks to OTT and social media, spending more time on our phones and less outdoors, our children have now become more dependent on us for their leisure needs. No one has the time to spend with our kids anymore. Every young couple is out there pushing the nine to five wheel and our parents are either not in the near geography to help us babysit, or have become smart enough to realise that they are not obliged to take care of our children. Photo-ops with them on holidays and the occasional video calls are enough to satisfy their grandparental instinct and going the whole hog and taking over where we parents fall short is not really on their roster. Good for them, I say. Parenting is enough of a journey once in a lifetime, I don’t blame them if they don’t want to relive it!
So yes, my seven-year old is looking at me and her father for everything from a playmate, advisor, co-worker, accomplice, language translator, counsellor, teacher (full-time since lockdown, thanks to consequences of Covid), fan, critic, friend and parent, all rolled in to one. No matter how sloshed we may be with work, or short of time, one of us has to play with her, read to her, tuck her in and offer explanations to her questions that begin at 8 am and could go on till after bedtime. What began as an honest attempt at satisfying our curiosity as to what a kid between us would look like and seeing ourselves as exemplary parents has yielded an amusing revelation that is Pihu: seven years old and always looking upto us to role-model as well as light up her life. To not have another child was a decision born after this unique product that is Pihu came in to our lives- we can’t afford to have another, we barely have time to give to this one, having another will divide our time with her, we have no one to fall back on to support us in our parenting, childcare- have you checked the fees for one child these days? When do we get to get back to our old lives? When do we enjoy our youth? What’s the point of having more kids when we are most likely to lose them to their own adventures once they become independent, children today are not obliged to take care of their parents so hell! Stop treating them as a wise investment plan for your retirement eh?, who wants to go through that painful and nauseous phase of pregnancy until delivery? Look at the world around us- what are we leaving behind for the next generation besides corruption and climate change? When do I get to enjoy my professional growth again if I take a backseat thanks to a second innings at motherhood?
There they are: reasons for calling it quits after one child- and most modern parents like us today have it chalked out. Me and my partner have always been one of these calling ourselves lucky to have one and not duh! enough to repeat the act. Until questions of another kind emerged: Does it take superhuman skill to have two children in this day and age? Why are so many of my colleagues and friends putting up pictures of ‘Hum do, hamare do’ (we two, our two) on every social media page I am on? Why do all of Pihu’s friends have a sibling? Why does she look forlorn every time she sees the younger sibling and feel that void when she gets back home? Does she have to go “Awww” every time she sees a baby? Why does she say she would like to have a playmate at home so she needn’t bother us all the time? Are we being selfish when we tell her you don’t need anyone and reluctantly pick up a book to read to take her mind off the topic?
Affectionate yet strict, kind yet cautious, gentle yet clumsy, sweet yet whiny, shy yet curious, creative yet self-conscious, inquisitive yet calm, there are so many ways of describing my little one. I know she would make a great sibling and were we being mean by snatching that opportunity from her? And of course that one question that bogged my mind- were we leaving her alone in this world after us? Sigh! Decisions, decisions, decisions. Parenting seems to be clogged at every turn with all kinds of making these and yet, we never really know if we make the right ones. So while we believe we have a hold on our destiny, there is an old saying that goes ‘fortune favours the brave’. Seven years after a bright little star called Pihu shone in to our lives, our happy family bubble of three was about to burst with the grand entrance of another twinkle toes. Seven years after we welcomed Pihu to our nest, we were bracing ourselves for another fast ball. Someone would think we had had enough time to mull over this and roll up our sleeves for the catch but when we finally knew what had hit us, the only question we needed to answer for ourselves was- what were we waiting for?
So after seven years of celebrating 5th July as Pihu’s birthday, two days later, a little bubble we fortuitously nicknamed Bubbles came in to our lives…a late birthday present for our so-far one and only (supposedly lonely) darling daughter and as another testament to the fact that no matter how far deep-seated logic can drive us, a daughter’s love triumphs over all, in the end.
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