A comic candle extinguished.

 

Matthew Perry was a household name in India during my school years. I still remember our slam books and coy conversations around who we thought would make the ideal boyfriend, the perfect husband and the fun hangout friend among Chandler, Ross and Joey with mine coming up strictly in that order. I can only therefore imagine the madness these guys must have invoked in the US among countless fans of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Secretly, we all wanted to have this whole gang of goofy, crazy and at the end of the day, faithful bunch of comrades who were more family than friends. The relationship they shared matured with time as each got more serious and yet made us laugh and cry, sometimes within the same episode. 

Even today, a good couple of decades after my college years, every time the iconic song by The Rembrandts ‘I’ll be there for you’ plays, it gives me a heady rush of nostalgia, taking me back to the good old times of the ‘90s, when friends meant hanging out together at a cafe for no rhyme or reason and conversations revolved around picking on a favourite topic to argue over or just chide a pal playfully about his/her pet peeve. Ah, the wonder years.

So why did Chandler stand out for me so much? Apart from the fact that the guy always had his friends’ backs, whether it was nursing Ross through his break up with Rachel or throwing the odd treat for his flatmate Joey who was always broke, this man was the stuff of my friendship goals. Besides, he had the best lines in the house! 

Take Chandler out of the show, and it’s just a bunch of headless chickens without perspective because that is what he did for the others- put things in perspective with a generous dose of his bitter sarcasm. Where was it all rooted? May be his shame over having a father who had opted for a sex change and turned in to a woman who now dressed and performed drag, may be it was from having a mother who was more promiscuous than he could handle, may be it was from the fact that he couldn’t imagine sharing his embarrassingly ludicrous surname with a wife, may be it was because he worked in a job no one could describe right, may be it was his soul that was broken from his mournful dating abilities, may be it came from a place of hitting rock bottom after dating a woman called Janice with that annoying nasal twang. Who knows? All we know is he was the man I would want to hang out with after a break up, the man I would watch Baywatch with and hoot at the men while he lusted for Pamela, he would be the man standing next to me at the altar when I put my hand out to my bride, he would be the man whose shoulder I would cry happy tears on after my baby was born and he would definitely be the guy I would share my Christmas dinner with over a glass of white, reminiscing the year that was and guffawing over it. 

Why am I so convinced? Have you checked the guy’s regular caffeine-infused dose of sarcasm? If there was a singular award dedicated to Best Sarcastic Actor on the Planet EVER, it would go to this character- hook, line and sinker, yes ma’am. Arrrghh! You still don’t get it, do you? Do I have to be clearer than that? And if you are one of those philistines who never got to watching even one episode of the world’s best sitcom show, excuse me, what are you doing on this post, errr…I mean on this planet? Anyway, those ones with the rapid memory loss, I’ll just leave you with these gems to prove my point.

Ross: I can’t believe you two had s** in her dream.

Chandler: I’m sorry, it was a one time thing and it was someone else’s subconscious.

Joey’s much older GF: There is a little child inside this man.

Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he will die. 

Joey: You are smoking again?

Chandler: Actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I am smoking still. 

Monica: Guys, what should I wear to a Knicks game?

Chandler: A t shirt that says ‘I don’t belong here’. 

Chandler: I have decided that my best man is Gunther.

Gunther: What’s my last name?

Chandler: Central…Perk?

Monica: And the boots don’t really go with it.

Chandler: You said you paid all that money because those boots go with skirts, dresses and pants, what are you planning on wearing…. A chicken suit?

Joey: How about you Chandler? (Mock-rehearsing introducing oneself on a gameshow)

Chandler: Well Joey, I am a headhunter. I hook up out of work Soviet scientists with rogue third world nations. Hi Rasputin!

Joey: You have to spin the wheel or pick a google card.

Chandler: Ah wait…I don’t care!

What his death at the age of 54 has taught me however, is that no matter how successful or rich you may be, loneliness and depression can get at you at any point. Insecurity is not a malice that affects only the underdog, it is a reality that can stare you in the face even when you are a white American celebrity comic star making $1 million for one episode and earning royalty from it in your silver-grey years. You may date the hottest actresses of your age and yet fail to have one longstanding and healthy relationship that could sustain through the good and the bad times. Addiction is not a problem afflicting teenagers or those on the cusp of suicide. It is a kind of slow suicide that will drown you before you realise you can reach out for help. 

No matter the tragic end that befalls you when the world least expected it, we will still want to remember you for that moment you made us laugh, for that moment when you enabled us to turn our minds away from the tragic parts of our own lives and for that moment when you made us believe, ironically, that life was not worth taking too seriously and could indeed be summed up in a joke, cracked at its expense so that we could pick up the pieces and simply, move on. RIP Matthew Perry aka Chandler Bing.

The Pihona Diary: The Sister Act

 

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When Pihu turned nine this year, she also decided to wear the garb of ‘big sister’ with more confidence. It meant she was more readily accepting of her new role (which comes with a lot of responsibility and day to day challenges) as I remind her often.  When I look back on my former decision to not have another child after Pihu, I realise it was going to turn to be a great injustice on her, suddenly plucked out of her birth country and shoved into the Australian scholastic landscape. At four years, when she joined preschool here in the cold and closeted atmosphere of Canberra, (Canberra is hardly a thriving city and more like a small, hilly town for big city dwellers) she was bound to be lost, lonely and struggling to come to terms with her peers. The accent was different, the curriculum vastly changed with the teachers’ proclivity towards more play-based learning than academic excellence. We were not so sure our docile, shy little girl would be able to handle so much so suddenly. From having no friends, no relatives and no homework from school, she would surely be bored to death in the long run unless we steered her through some heavy-duty play dating and extra-curricular activities. This of course can be both expensive and time-consuming for most parents, leaving no room to navigate through their own ever-growing to-do lists and little to non-existent social lives. 

Pihu has come such a long way since. Four years now in Canberra and she has a motley group of friends, works the Aussie accent like she was born in to it and has a plethora of hobbies adding to her list at home. Some of them include browsing melodies on Spotify on her headphones, writing poetry of Rabindranath Tagore and Sarojini Naidu in cursive (it’s poetry appreciation and handwriting practice rolled in to one, haha, clever me!), reciting and practising Hindi letters and numbers, creating art and craft whether it is a mere book mark or a book of illustrations, diamond painting or mindful colouring. Her growing love of books has now ensured she is reading over thirty books every year as per the last Chief Minister’s Reading Challenge.  She is also devouring Hindi films of the arty Amol Palekar to the popular mainstream Akshay Kumar cheek by jowl with her love for English animation flicks. Most people both Indian and Australian, find it amazing that she can speak in Hindi and Bengali besides being fluent in English even after moving overseas but I hardly think it is a big deal. Coming from a multi-lingual background, I feel knowing two-three languages that are spoken at home on a regular basis should be an organic process, although I must admit we have to cajole her in to giving more impetus to her native languages now that she is cosily enmeshed in the Anglicised academic and social milieu here in Australia. 

So where has a girl who has bloomed so much in the past four years since our India to Australia migration found the courage and understanding to embrace a new, tiny human in her life, amidst so many life-changing events happening simultaneously in her life- a new home, new school and new friends? Let’s say she has confirmed my instinct about her being a wonderful and tailor-made elder sibling. She has settled in to her role so effortlessly where I confess, she shows more patience and resilience than me when it comes to her tough to tackle little sibling. This is the proverbial Elsa and Anna story- where the eldest has to take on the title of Queen only to sacrifice and serve- the perfect foil for Anna, impulsive and unpredictable, feisty yet faithful. Vyona at two embodies the spirit of a tiger cub, at times angry, at times playful, demanding and stubborn, playing the game of life on her terms already and yet, pulling at her elder sister’s heartstrings, with all her adorable and funny antics. 

650 × 920Now that toddler Vyona has learnt to walk, talk and scamper around, she is able to make use of a very limited vocabulary to tell us exactly what she wants, how she wants it and when she wants it. She claims all her sister’s assets and property as hers and is very quick to turn her toys away from her sister’s prying hands until we compel her to share them with Pihu. While ‘cheeky’, ‘annoying’ and ‘messy’ are adjectives Pihu would readily associate with her tiny tot of a sister, she still offers her the warmest hugs, the biggest kisses and the protective shadow that only an elder sister can offer when she needs it. In time, I hope to see this tender loving relationship turn in to a mature, nurturing and mutually beneficial one- where we as parents can rest on our laurels, full of pride for our earthly possessions- these two gemstones that are sure to shine brighter with every passing year. 

The difference of seven years between the two sisters can be a tricky one and as I have always maintained, not one I recommend if you want siblings to be playmates while they are young. I am not complaining though, because having no social net of grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and cousins to fall back on, my husband and I have our hands full at home as hands-on parents. At nine, Pihu is independent, kind and self-disciplined enough to understand why her sister probably needs more of our attention and care. She is able to help play a role in the development of Vyona’s communication and motor skills and is adept at taking care of her, if I turn my back to attend to a chore. I see a lot of Pihu in Vyona and yet, they are vastly different personalities and it is intriguing to see how their relationship pans out as they grow up together, while inadvertently influencing each other’s mental and emotional make-up and approach to life. 

All I pray for is the strength to be able to be half as good a mother as my own homemaker mum was. Knowing I have to juggle my professional commitments with two kids means I have it tougher and would still not have it, any other way. Parenting is impossibly punishing sometimes involving huge sacrifices and burning the midnight oil nursing your loved ones. It still makes me wonder how I committed to the role a second time but those heartwarming giggles from these two and the spontaneous cuddles they get up to would make anyone change their mind!

The Pihona Diary: Age of Innocence

 When I look back on Pihu’s old pictures through the time that she was a baby till date (she is 8 years old now), I can actually see how she has grown to build her own identity. Of course, while there are glimpses of her dad and me in her, she seems to be cultivating a new personality that is slowly gaining a firm footing. She will probably change much more through the progressive years that encompass the developmental milestones of adolescence to adulthood, but there are such strong traits emerging through her persona right now, it is hard to ignore them. All I want is for her to hold on to these years of innocence, where she is more inquisitive than knowledgeable, more curious than nonchalant, more honest, less diplomatic. It will mean I will also get to live out my childhood years as reflected through her  experiences vicariously. 

Now that we have a younger sibling to compare this personality growth chart with, it is very interesting to note the similarities as well as the differences in the two sisters. I remember Pihu being very shy and timid in her earlier years. This is a trait she holds dear till date, sometimes invoking much chagrin in us who only wish to see her bloom. While our elder one refuses to become more assertive and bolder, the younger one is coming across as a force to reckon with. Not only is she stubborn but also strong-willed. She can be all love and affection one moment, and quickly sport a tantrum at the drop of a hat only because she knows with all that adorable cuteness, she will get away with it.

They say, children especially siblings, living in close quarters will influence each other to an extent that they either complement or instigate. Vyona, my younger one is barely 18 months old but has managed to own the attention and affection of all and sundry, which means no one in the family or among ourfriends can say no to her. She is happy to bask in this self-entitled glory and is quick to take offence if not showered with sufficient amounts of adulation. At such a tender age, she exercises decision-making powers which include not eating or drinking water when she is told to, not sleeping alone if she doesn’t wish to and unfortunately for us, insisting on holding hands while walking when she is quite capable of doing so on her own. 

Pihu on the other hand, was much more malleable, less susceptible to shrieking if displeased or simply to cause a stir and less disruptive during solitary play. No wonder we thought as parents, we did this once and that seemed easy, how bad would it be a second time? Haha, so dear parents of future second-borns, may I raise a hand and alert you to what’s in store in case you thought it got easier with age and experience. Parenting skills is not on your CV. It is NOT something that you can work with exactly the same way you did before. Just like, apps and technologies upgrade themselves and sometimes need a complete overhaul before they can work in the current era, parenting evolves with every passing generation and with each child you bring in to this world. 

It takes guts to have a child, sheer patience to have another and a fat ounce of part ambition-part sadomasochism to have more. Pardon me for being so harshly judgemental but this is a mother who spent a weekend cleaning puke all over the house for her two kids and is now down with the same bug that caused it to happen in the first place. I will not even get in to what two children can do to set back your career if you were a highly-paid working woman who voluntarily decided to play good old mom and took an extended break to tend to your brood. 

At the tail-end of my thirties, I have one resolution down pat- I can’t let my desire to be more than just a mom linger at the bottom of a drained ditch. At the same time, I refuse to run myself to the ground trying to multitask and balance my work-life demands in a nuclear household. Tough ask eh? I am working my way through this one.

My children are my sunshine, they bring warmth and brightness to my life no matter how dull the day, or cloudy my mood may be. To observe them gain essential life-skills and build strong perspectives and opinions, make the right choices that will equip them to be more independent, intelligent and enlightened is a joy. My role in this is complex, encouraging them to take that wobbly step on their own and yet keep a watchful eye that they are on the right path and reach out a hand in case they need me. It is precious, this time I have with them, and I encourage you to spend as much time as you can as possible with your children from their birth to adolescence, it will seal your bond for life and make them realise you always have their back when they need you in stead of wandering lost and lonely.