One Hundred Years of ‘Bolly’tude

Pardon the sound of that last word but couldn’t help take a spin on Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s wonderful novel for this post. After all, what is it that drives millions of people, so diverse across cultures and boundaries of state, to come together and applaud and react to the silver screen in unison? What makes them one if not an attitude that has been nurtured and nourished on a regular dose of good old Bollywood cinema? And even cynics will have to agree that in spite of both foreign and regional language films coming to the fore in current times, the Hindi film industry does stand out not only in terms of the sheer numbers- i.e the quantity of films and amount of moolah it makes but in it’s unique ability to unite a nation of otherwise often disgruntled and disjointed people. The only other thing that binds us similarly is errr…corruption, yes, not even politics or cricket anymore.

Hindi films work for three reasons- no I am not going to say entertainment thrice, thank you very much. Although that was true of most films till small budget ‘thinking’ films started creating fissures in the tried and tested formula for a Bollywood blockbuster. So while once upon a time it took the powerful baton of art house cinema to crack the monopoly of commercial potboilers, today it is films made on a shoestring budget with potentially no star value that can strike a mean punch to the regular masala flick Bollywood is known for.  Now that we have completed 100 years though, may be it is time to shed the excess baggage meaning those silly gimmicks our film fraternity loves sticking to like they all learnt filmmaking from the same rule book. Let me know if you disagree.

The Sequel Mania:  You wouldn’t be wrong if you thought Bollywood has lost the plot. Because very often if a film does well, you can be sure that a sequel is in the making almost immediately. What beats the race is Dabangg 2 selling its television rights even before a single scene of the masterpiece is shot. But apart from the significant recall value, why can’t Bollywood get original ideas? More ranting on this in my next post.

The West Side Story: When not cashing in on a previous hit, we love to steal shamelessly. Just rip apart a great Hollywood flick scene by scene or borrow the basic plot, even better- call it an adaptation.

The Item Number: Ya, so the wolf howls and the owl hoots from the first four rows would have to go. But must every film pander to the cheap ritual of playing to the gullies and insert an item number when it is least expected or required? Even Malaika Arora has found an alternate profession by turning producer, it’s time we gave this trend a miss.

Woman on Top: Before you start getting ideas, I mean our female breed of actors have time and again proved that they can pull in the masses and classes even without the jhatkas and matkas.  It’s time they got their due in terms of money, screen space and substantial roles. It would be such a refreshing change to see women play their age for starters.



Going Oscar Wild: It’s time we accepted that just because we think a film deserves international accolades, it isn’t going to hit bull’s eye. We have been rooting for that golden statuette for nearly a 100 years now, but can we stop salivating for it please?

American Pie: I know every film star this side of the sub continent would love to star in a Hollywood film but considering our desi actors almost always get a raw deal in every Amreekan film, I am afraid it’s time our film stars dumped their firangi agents. 

The Guest Appearance:  Yes, we love seeing our favourite actors on the red carpet at Cannes, BAFTA, Oscars et al but it is mighty embarrassing when the overseas press reports deride an actor’s clothes and pass ‘who is that’ sort of remarks. It doesn’t help when our glitterati chooses to put on more than just their best foot forward like a fake accent, wannabe smile and dab their heavily made up eyes at the non existent paparazzi.  For all the Indian ‘exotica’ fervor that they exhibit, there is still a long way for Hollywood to respect us for what our film industry is worth. Anyone who saw A R Rahman’s ‘blink and you miss’ musical interludes at the Oscars will know what I am talking about.

The Publicity Overkill: If we have to imitate our Hollywood counterpart, we can probably take a page out of their PR book and understand how not to kill the excitement of watching a film by going on an information overdrive, making those inane TV appearances, giving countless interviews parroting the same promotional one liners and other shenanigans of the mandatory drill that a film release demands these days.

It’s time to celebrate a long and successful innings of the cinema we grew up watching- as kids, with parents, while dating, with our own kids…and so on and so forth. What a magnanimous century it has been and a salute is due to the Hindi cinema industry for treating us to such adrenaline pumping entertainment. It deserves all the accolades it is getting and if the new wave of filmmaking has its way,  sure looks like the best is yet to come! Khush toh bahut hoge tum….hain?!

WARNING: AGE DEFYING STUNTS AHEAD!

At a time when looking younger has become so important, and where dropping ten years from your face is just a botox shot away, it seems needless and even silly to try and look and act one’s age. So if you happen to be on the wrong side of 30, you better have accomplished at least one of these- a great bank balance, a wonderful life partner and a house over your head.  Add a great sense of style, a figure to match and possessing the secret to looking younger as you grow older and you are SET for life... think about it- aren’t at least one of these goals getting those worry lines on your head and keeping you awake at nights? Most of us in our late 20s and early 30s then, have sadly entered the mid life crisis our parents warned us about. Don’t say you didn’t see that coming. When 12 year olds can talk about their crushes and 22 year olds want to climb the career ladder twice the speed of light, it’s hardly surprising that most of us in our 30s are already contemplating early retirement within the next decade. What exactly is supposed to keep us busy the rest of our time if not the business of staying young and the pursuit of denying the truth that is our age?

Even though more women seem to be afflicted by the ‘got to get younger’ dilemma, the men aren’t very far from it.  After all, George Clooney and Richard Gere aren’t getting less dishy even as the grey in their hair demystifies their real age. So why should the men lag behind in trying to look dapper and pulling up their pants in the fight against their birth date? My dear Adam or Eve, I personally request you to quit embarrassing yourself and take a look at oft-committed mistakes we hardly notice as we grow older and seriously, spare yourself the torture:

·         I am no fashion guru but some sartorial tips may help you avoid getting laughed at behind your back. I can’t even begun to tell you how pathetic it feels when anybody tries to dress to look half their age.  Dumping that college wardrobe might be a good idea esp. when you seem to have crossed 30+. Na, the tummy crunches aren’t working and the only curves that your tight tee is showing off are your love handles. And the skinny jeans, as the name might suggest were meant to fit when you were exactly that- skinny!

·         Using slang like ‘wassup dude’ and misspelt words like ‘kewl’ can definitely make you sound younger -in the immature sense. Like you really decided to lash your angst against your English teacher and murder the language because she didn’t give you an A on your grammar test back in school. Get a life, speak the language properly if you ever learnt it the right way.

·         Drinking while trying to compete with younger colleagues just to show you can hold it better? This is as pathetic as it gets because your glass count is going to show either in the number of times you dash off to ‘take a leak’ (in the case of men) or ‘powder your nose’ (in the case of women). And if lying in your own puke is not your idea of a happy ending to your night out, you want to go easy on that heady vodka shot, right?

·         Please don’t try to pass of the ‘robot’ or the ‘head banging’ as dance. It ONLY looks cute on kids and you are old enough to have your own at your age in stead of pretending to be one yourself. 

           Hanging out with colleagues much younger to you does not make you one of them. Unless they ask you to come along with them for ‘time out’ and seem as natural as they do in office when outside with you, don’t try and push yourself on to them everytime they go ‘painting the town red’.

·         Being addressed as a maasi, mama, chacha or bhabhi is not such a bad thing. It gives your relationship with the concerned kin the identity and respect it deserves. Frankly I prefer it to being called Aunt or Uncle and definitely would not appreciate having a teenager niece or nephew calling me Kavita. And if you like being ‘buddies’ with them, well, I have always considered my Mom my bosom friend, didn’t necessitate me calling her by her first name.

·         Stop discussing your diet issues, hormonal imbalances and excessive weight gain as part of everyday conversation. Nothing can sound more stilted, day in and day out.

·         If you are married by now, be happy for yourself but don’t try to make those who aren’t look like losers. If you aren’t, don’t try to make those who are, look like they lost out on being single. Ever struck you that they might not WANT to be you.

Apart from following these tips, next time someone refers to your age, don’t cringe. They may be complimenting you on the grey in your head- but of course the cells, not the hair silly! And if not, smile and take it on your chin. After all, that’s the thing about age, isn’t it? Sooner or later it’s going to catch up with everyone.

The Interviewee’s Guide to Common Cliches

Most of us have given plenty of these. Every job warrants one at least if not several rounds of it. And if you are lucky, perhaps you have had only those where you ended up getting the job. Unlike a majority whose lives start resembling the life of a movie star- hopping from one interview to the other, only a tad less glamourous and self-satisfying! Ah…bad joke, I know. But having experienced quite a few myself, I have to come to identify some standing clichés which are bound to turn up in interviews, very often.
Here they are:

Q: So tell me a bit about yourself.
It can’t get more vague than this. And since it doesn’t specify timelines, you could start from the time you were born in to this world, right?

Q: Your work experience is strong but we will still need to see how good you really are.
I usually like to say ditto.

Q:  We would like to hire you, but only with a significant paycut.
Ah, killer line. It usually kills the joy of wanting the job or urges you to want to kill the person sitting opposite.

Q: We work like a family in here.
This usually means the employees in my organization don’t have a life beyond this place. They work 24/7 so don’t be surprised if you see them walking around with a toothbrush in their night pyjamas. And that thing you can smell is y’day’s stale pizza with spilt black coffee on the table. Feel free to clean up, after all, that's what families are meant for.

Q: We take our female employees’ safety very seriously.
You will be doing late nights very often, even if you are female.

Q: You will be given a laptop and Blackberry for office use.
You are so trapped. Ha ha! Working over weekends just got easier.

Q: We are looking for people with real passion for the job.
You should not expect increments and take the measly pay check without complaint.

Q: We don’t believe in hiring too many people.
That usually means ‘Neither can we afford to do so.’ Exploitation of a few will suffice.

Q: Let’s be in touch.
We wish to keep you hanging until we find a better candidate.

Q: We will get back to you shortly.
We are not interested. Thank you and Good bye.

The Block Against Writers

If you are a student of literature, I don’t need to eulogize about the literary power of writers and how marvelous it is to be one. The sheer ability to create worlds and make an ordinary reader part of it is a quality worth applauding and of course there are enough literary honours, titles and awards that deserving writers are recognized with every year for their contribution to the world of fiction as well as non fiction. The names of contemporary novelists like Amitav Ghosh, Salman Rushdie and Hanif Qureshi may light up the eyes of many avid readers but mind you, even though you may flock to attend the book launches or dissertations of these writers, the writing profession in reality has not yet been given due credit. The truth is not many people in this country, read. And please don’t tell me you have read all of the Harry Potter series and have just put down Revolution 2020 by Chetan Bhagat. I am talking serious literature here and there are enough Indian writers in English beyond the chick lit and rom com category whose books jostle for space among the various shelves stocking American bestsellers and Mills & Boons classics to catch your attention, if you only look carefully.

Naturally, when people of a country like ours have better things to invest time in than in good books, it goes without saying that very little will be made of your literary aspirations, that is, if you dare to have any. So imagine this situation: you ask your neighbour Lalita Aunty’s son what he wants to be when he grows up and he quips-“A Writer!” Before you can pat his back for daring to dream, pat comes Lalita Aunty’s rejoinder- “Oh! He has been reading too much of Enid Blyton these days. Beta, go do your homework now.” This is such a common occurrence in most homes that it hardly comes as a surprise. So if not doctors and engineers, there are IT jobs and enough ‘MBAs wanted’ posts available to help get your kid that hefty pay cheque and an occasional trip abroad thrown in. God forbid if kids want to turn their skills towards creative streams like writing…have the corporate giants of a burgeoning superpower run their treasuries dry that one must even contemplate the chances of such a horrid catastrophe?

My heart therefore goes out to the protagonist in John Irving’s The World According to Garp wherein people react awkwardly whenever Garp so much as mentions his profession. It doesn’t seem to help that he seems like a henpecked husband who keeps house, cooks and looks after the children while his wife teaches English at a nearby college. I can easily relate to his character especially when people appear flummoxed and give an uneasy pause, when I confide, “I have been writing these days.” It usually means they are waiting for me to elaborate. Or it could mean they don’t know how they might not offend me by asking me to do so. It’s easier to be a traveler or a socialite or even an art collector. At least these roles mean you are a legitimate spender of cash, so what if that’s courtesy, your husband’s numerous credit cards. At least it sounds glamorous, chic, eclectic and justifies the means towards a covetous end. While writing…it seems like such a dead weight task, eating away zillions of hours, demanding that you tuck yourself away from the world in a corner all by yourself, indulging your imagination- an anti-social pastime truly. I also remember attending a screen writing workshop once where the conductor whined about the lack of recognition writers get for their scripts and screenplays, often leading to bitter fights between producers and the writers for payment of dues. It is still a matter that is yet to see proper enforcement of copyright law but is just another example of the common writers’ plight, faced day in, day out.


What must one do to give the career of writing the respectability it deserves? Getting generation next to understand the need to write well is top priority if you ask me. That is a humongous task considering the only writing they do is BBM chat using words like ‘Wud u lyk to go 2 dat mov 2de?’ To which the reply is ‘K. C u dr. ‘Now I know what a senior professor who teaches cinema at a leading film school meant when he said to me, “You write such wonderful emails.” The fact that I used headers, body text and then a proper sign off left him amazed. He used to lament the use of ‘cutting edge’ language and abbreviations that left too much to decipher when reading class assignments! Yep, so task 2 is getting students to write out proper sentences that make grammatical sense. Mind you, this could be tougher than you think.

Finally, task 3 is to get people to read. Only when people start appreciating good literature, is when they will start recognizing the efforts of people who pen the same. And that is when mere hopefuls like me won’t have to hide my discomfort when I confess wanting to write my own book someday!

Why a Good Book Builds Good Character

The mark of a truly great fiction novelist lies in the fact that he can write about a completely different entity while convincing the reader that that entity is actually him. The differentiating lines between character and author, real and imaginary, truth and falsehood- begin to fade and all that remain are the stirring images of the character’s conflicts, challenges, trials, tribulations and ultimate triumph of the spirit- whether in life or death being irrelevant.

A good writer is first and foremost an excellent story teller, who can weave a myriad emotions with his mere words, threading those words together to bring forth new meaning and purpose to a carefully etched plot. He is able to breathe life in to the pages of his book, inserting drama, pathos, brevity, pace and integrity with elan. His story will not hold any weight without the very essence of verisimilitude.
This is particularly moving in the case of a bildungsroman novel, where the individual is directly able to relate to the protagonist’s emotional and physical upheavals.  A diasporic novelist is able to even physically transform his feelings of displacement and alienation simultaneously to the reader. A novel’s topographical setting of a story can go miles in the way the world perceives a particular country or its people, often in the long term this can lead to the kind of cultural amalgamation nation states may take centuries to otherwise attain.

An author is not a public figure neither is he an exhibitor or trader. He cannot peddle his work in a local book store, assuring you of its quality. The book that bears his name must speak a language that has its own universal appeal, even in translation.  How else does a book on racial oppression or a saga rooted in ancient mythology gain prominence and garner public empathy, across barriers of gender, caste, creed, community, culture, colour and other parameters of human differentiation? A good book has the intrinsic ability to unite its readers towards the joint exploration of what it stands for and what it is trying to say, giving them all a sense of oneness and finding parallels to their own world through the imaginary world portrayed in the book. It binds together the minds of readers who approve of its content and who end up appreciating the nuances of how something is written or even sometimes, left unsaid.

A writer who knows his own mind is fearless in his expression of free thought. He is a magician in the sense that he can transport his own feelings to his reader, influence the latter to think like him and even reduce him to tears with his sublime text. Even the most humorous author wielding a pen must be able to infuse a degree of gravitas in his writing to maintain the volume of mirth in his plot and flow of events. The unique ability of a writer to retain this plot while engaging in subversive tactics is indeed a laudable achievement.  So sometimes you may be convinced that the story is indeed veering in a predictable direction when the writing changes trajectory- undergoing transitions, high and low phases and even the seemingly odd lull only to strike back in an epiphany.  Interestingly, in all of this, true literary genius lies in making the reader feel like he is clever enough to understand the intricacies through which the story moves and trust him to find his own interpretations and reasons for why a character may have behaved like he or she did in a story.  It creates inquisitiveness and pushes the readers to question the plot and its characters and find answers to it themselves. Besides, it also encourages the simulation of visual imagery- what a particular character must look, sound and feel like.

Finally, in the reading of a novel, the reader not only becomes a shareholder of an intangible property, a disclosed secret and a well narrated experience but in the end, is also bound by his inherent need to make sense of what he has read. What is a book after all but a generously presented slice of life printed in ink and preserved between covers. A good book has the power to provoke a spiritual process of inner dialogue while steering the reader towards the inspirational path of self introspection. In other words, it stirs the intellectual pursuit of happiness and gives wings to an individual’s worldly understanding.  It contributes to the breeding of genteel and mature human beings who believe in pooling in to their accumulated wealth of both acquired and nurtured wisdom and utilizing it in the world that they inhabit.

I do, I don’t. Arrrgh… they won’t!

I haven’t watched Madhavan-Bipasha starrer Jodi Breakers and something tells me that’s a good decision but say, did the film take a cue from the leading lady’s recent break up with handsome Desi Boy John Abraham? Is that why Bipasha is going publicly verbose on how it’s high time he got hitched even while we wonder if it’s not high time she did the same. I simply don’t get stars. As if their personal lives are not befuddling enough, they go ahead and make statements like ‘I would love my man to be like my co-star in this film.’ Aunties & Uncles…wake up and smell the coffee or whatever it is that you drink but if the said co-star is single, why not just date him buddy? Or do you make such statements just to turn on the heat on your supposedly sizzling chemistry off screen as well? Cheap thrills to win some cheap publicity gimmicks really.

But what has truly become predictable these days is how most real life star jodis are never really headed down the aisle holding hands to pledge their lives unto each other. Most popular celebrity jodis of the past whose path to holy matrimony seemed like a mountain trek include Shahid-Kareena, Harman-Priyanka, Deepika-Ranbir, Ranveer-Anushka…to name a few. Of course, you will say it is easy for me to say so now after these relationships have hit rock bottom but well, I can give you tell-tale signs why a star’s relationship is heading towards splitsvilla in each case. So in the aftermath of the famous Shahid Kareena break up, Bebo discovered Saif’s Tashan, Priyanka realized Love Story 2050 would not work in year 2008, Deepika understood that while she was matching steps with Ranbir’s Bachna Ae Haseeno, he meant every word he sang and Ranveer & Anushka let wisdom prevail by postponing all plans of a Band Baaja Baarat ending to their relationship at the brink of their promising careers. 

It makes perfect sense when you apply good old Grandma’s logic to it. If it ain’t for the long haul, no point dragging the dead swan. Wow, I could make a living on penning my own Chinese proverbs you know. But while on the topic, what may be a reason for splitting from a long term rishta in one case may be the same reason star couples get together in the first place. So don’t go buying their ‘we were too alike or too different’ rants or even better, ‘being from the same industry made lives hell’ when that’s the very reason they seem to bond with their new arm candies. Truth is, there are very less chances of finding eligible bachelors like Shahid Kapoor on shaadi.com right? Stars don’t really hunt down their life partners in public you know. It’s behind closed doors- those of fancy studios, five star party venues, a plush pub in Paris or even a make up van, (ahem) that stars find their potential partners! You can’t blame them can you, living out their lives in 35 mm dimensions all the time. Where is the time to date the odd charming commoner or fawning fan? Grrr…why do you think I am not married to Aamir Khan or Hrithik Roshan? So now you know. Birds of a feather flock together and all that jazz. That is it in most cases though.

A majority of star couples dating and admitting to doing so openly, will fizzle out given a certain time when their togetherness starts feeling jaded (read not generating enough heat or speculation). This is not to say all celebrity relationships live on hype but you know, it must not help the attraction levels between two hot stars when people fail to get attracted to their attraction for each other.  Of course there are other pragmatic reasons for rifts in the love story but most celebrity relationships are known to end up in doldrums after the initial high of ‘look who I caught’ and ‘this is truly forever’ mid life crisis. Which is why it is heartwarming to see jodis like Ritesh and Genelia tie the knot after a long, hardly publicized courtship- it is just the way typical star jodis don’t behave. My advice to these typical twosomes would be to take a page out of the newly weds book and keep the media at bay by not divulging too much about their relationship constantly. If we aren’t going to get fed up of the incessant mush in your life, you sure are bound to sooner or later. Saifeenas of the world beware. Just like your on screen chemistry does not always guarantee a hit, driving your aligned brand down our throats in every frame ain’t gonna make your relationship any stronger, it will just put more pressure on the two of you to keep looking good together, no matter the tiffs and tugs in your romantic rendezvous. Public focus can kill as fast as it can get you fame. So will Saifeena join the bandwagon of celebs in marital bliss? Hmm… the nuptials can be the easy part, making it work in tinseltown is most often, not.

MIGHT IS RIGHT IF YOU KHAN FIGHT!

Anybody who follows filmy gossip on a regular basis knows that celebrity scuffles are not rare occurrences, and the news only gets more scintillating when two arch rivals are involved. Even my loquacious maid will vouch for the fact that most celebrity brawls are truly as wild and violent as they can get. After all, there is no smoke without fire, and no bruise without a mean hit if you get my drift.

Leading the bruise battle (mostly egos in this case) is of course superstar and ironically someone whose last hit was called Bodyguard, Salman Khan who almost always seems ‘ready’ for a fighting match- boxing gloves, flexing biceps and flashy six packs intact. Even though humanitarian by heart, Salman unfortunately seems to have a history of getting rough, even with his numerous lady loves (think Somy Ali, and a former Ms.World turned actor). Whether this is purely a pernicious image cultivated by the sleazy tabloid media forever hungry for such dirt or bitter facts spiced up for readers’ benefit and fructified by constant media speculation is never really clear. That said, in most cases, either the assailant or victim has either chosen to remain silent or sound dubiously defensive when asked to verify the truth. Sometimes of course, either party may also try to play peacemaker by brushing off the altercation as a minor mishap and sing the ‘forgive & forget’ mantra.

Incidentally, Dabangg Khan shares the honours of being in the boxing ring with another superstar and so called nemesis, Shahrukh Khan. In fact, even both of them are rumoured to have had spilled some bad blood at a certain party meaning they aren’t on talking terms the last time I checked. Remember a very forlorn SRK on the couch (no pun intended) with best buddy Karan Johar’s Koffee with Karan expostulating on the virtues of friendship and how he has been on the losing side of many such precious bondings thanks to ‘misunderstandings’ that he seems to have brought upon himself, very often. Result: Once buddy Salman Khan and filmmaker Farah Khan no longer seem to be his bumchums. Of course, another Khan- Farah’s brother Sajid in this case, seems to have pacified Farah and SRK to bury the hatchet, last time SRK decided to shower his errr…angst on her tweet happy, SRK-maligning hubby Shirish Kunder.  So far so good. But please spare us the ‘we are one big family’ charade and hence ‘love winneth over’ monologues. If only happy endings were as common in the real world as they are in the reel one. We aren’t falling for that one unless SRK-Farah together groove to another rendition of ‘Om Shanti Om’ or even that corny ‘Happy Ending’ song in their first hit together Main Hoon Na.

So just when I was going to close the Hall of Fame column on the dhishoom dhishoom brigade of Bollywood came news of Saif Ali Khan’s reported tiff with a South African businessman in a popular five star hotel. I don’t need to tell you that this is not the first time he has been in the midst of such unflattering news. While most of these stars have often been caught manhandling ‘misbehaving’ media hounds, even breaking their cameras and ruining their film in the process, when their ire spreads to the odd civilian or two, it makes the sticky situation a tad more worrisome. After all, aren’t these superstars supposed to be people’s stars- the youth icons of current times, the glamourous poster boys of a modern, upmarket & suave India often winning awards for their wonderful contribution to upholding the values & significance of Hindi cinema within the country and abroad? Aren’t these very stars supposed to be ambassadors of peace, goodwill and charm when it comes to representing our nation? So do such vile stories tarnish and taint their glitzy reputations? True or false, it’s not like we are going to stop watching their films just because they had a boorish night out, right? Nah, I think I will still go see Agent Vinod and Ek Tha Tiger and Don 3 or whichever SRK film is to release next. What I am eagerly looking forward to enjoying is a female fight though- WWE style- the hair pulling, teeth gashing, tongue lashing variety. Highly sadistic I know but I am getting a bit tired of 40- something heroes acting particularly juvenile, no matter how bad the raison de etre. Let the sleeping dogs lie and let the cat or should I say Kat out of the bag for a change!