The Go To Girls of Bollywood

If you are a film journalist constantly hounded by your boss for new dope on celebs and your salary depends on how much space you are able to fill on the pages of the magazine or newspaper you work for, you already know who I am referring to in the title of this post. It can be quite a challenge spinning err… I mean reporting news on the lives and loves of media-evading celebrities, day in and day out, especially when they choose to be MIA unless promoting their latest film. So new age journos have discovered a back up method of how to provide that daily dose of chutzpah to your breakfast table without endangering their livelihood. When in dire need and all else fails, switch to Plan B of entertainment journalism. For if the A-listers of tinseltown are giving you attitude, there is a whole brigade of wagging tongues waiting for you to hold that dictaphone or microphone in their faces.

These people love their voices and love to be heard and their mantra in life is to speak to get noticed. No wonder then that they can surpass an average film star to grab headlines on a day when journalists are in crunch situations aka in desperate need to put news on that Godforsaken page. Incidentally all of these good Samaritans whom the media has manufactured in to gaining celebrity status thus feeding to each others’ individual motives, happen to belong to the female sex. After all, women in our country take their right to freedom of speech very seriously as yours truly has proven through this blog! You may spot these women in the odd item number wearing a two piece bikini once in a while but what gets them the eyeballs is that controversial quote they cook up, to stay in the limelight. Some of them have even successfully maneuvered social media networking sites like facebook and twitter to keep us abreast of their pearls of wisdom on everything that matters! So here’s presenting the perpetual victims of verbal diarrhea in Bollywood.

Pooja Bedi: She may have only one blockbuster film to her credit till date called Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander but that doesn’t stop MsBedi from spewing vitriolic on everything and everyone that irks her. It helps to have the illustrious lineage of Kabir and Protima Bedi to her name and status. Her professional qualifications and credentials may be questionable but Bedi has managed to hold her own among her herd, with her classy dressing, heavily sophisticated although opinionated commentary and glossy Page 3 appearances. May be that’s why she has a chat show, an agony aunt space, her own column in a prestigious newspaper and26,984 followers on twitter (on last count). Reality shows seem to love her and as long as she gets the attention and the desired moolah, I guess she loves them back. One of the pioneers of the ‘go to girls’ trend, Pooja Bedi easily stands tall among the others in this space.

Quote Unquote: “It's clear Salman went in there (inside the Bigg Boss house) to demoralise, confuse, hurt and lie to Sky. Any guesses as to why he would misuse his position to do so?"

Rakhi Sawant: She had a nation glued to her televised swayamvar which later failed to reach a happy ending, is known to have publicly humiliated her ex-boyfriend and inspired Punjab da singer Mika to dedicate a song to her, lamenting a much hyped smooch with the pouty damsel.  Whether throwing a tantrum after losing a dance show on the small screen or threatening to turn politician with a surprise appearance at the Parliament, Rakhi Sawant never fails to get noticed. A popular Hindi news channel was even rumoured to have signed a contract with her to keep viewers engaged with her crazy antics at regular intervals on air! She may be relegated to the more crass, downmarket and cheesy category of item songs that Bollywood is known for but she must be doing something right to get invited to Koffee with Karan which otherwise boasts of VVIP guests from the Hindi film industry, where she openly confessed to using cosmetic surgery to look good. You cannot argue that only Sawant has the guts to slam superstar Salman Khan twice in TV history- once for not being held in the same esteem as his sister in law Malaika Arora as an item girl and again when she criticized Katrina’s portrayal of ‘chikni chameli’ claiming she could have done a better job!

Quote Unquote: “Agent Vinod’s children are almost as old as his girlfriend.”

Poonam Pandey: She shot to fame for promising to strip for the Men in Blue i.e the Indian cricket team after they won the World Cup in 2011 but since then has stuck to her skimpy promises of undressing for a cause- the cause ranging from welcoming PM Manmohan Singh on twitter or celebrating holi with her 1,44,136 twitter fans. Her ambitious promises also won her a spot in Akshay Kumar’s Khatron Ke Khiladi in its last season. What next? Don’t be surprised to see her in forthcoming editions of Bigg Boss and no, don’t get your hopes high if she promises to shed more clothes on reality TV, like our politicians- she’ll make you keep voting on that offer but never deliver in the end.

Quote Unquote: (on twitter) “OMG!!! Cant believe it that AKON also follows me on twitter... that showz Poonam Pandey is making india proud WHATSAY!!!”

Sherlyn Chopra: She managed a teensy weensy role in a Yashraj film which unfortunately tanked at the box office inspite of Shahid Kapoor and Rani Mukherji playing lead. However, you won’t have missed Chopra’s rave reviews of herself and how her sexy image seems to be a hit all over. What else would justify a periodical appearance in daily newspapers with busty pictures of her, passing inane comments on celebrities and the film industry.

Quote Unquote: (on twitter) “You can talk all u want. (sic) But my skin is very thick. I'm the leader of the crowd and my game is really sleek. I'm unstoppable!”

Mallika Sherawat: Unike this pack, Sherawat has achieved international status so she can talk about Obama and Hollywood in the same breath, without batting an eyelid. Keeping her busy and visible in India are a spate of item numbers in Bollywood. This is one lass who has managed to keep walking the red carpet to Cannes, visit the White House and rub shoulders with the who’s who of Hollywood sheerly based on her bold and sexy image and getting to the headlines of our Indian dailies seems to be a piece of cake, considering she is India’s unappointed but seemingly newsworthy goodwill ambassador to foreign shores. Kindly move over Mr. S M Krishna, we have a new candidate for your post!

Quote Unquote:  (To Bill Clinton) “Now that you are seen standing with me, 2 billion people will get to know you!” (I really wonder what BC had to say to that!!)

Veena Malik: Her tragic romantic trysts have now started sounding like yesterday’s jaded news and her mysterious friendship with Ashmit Patel may not interest everyone, but Veena Malik is Pakistan’s version of a gift to India in recent times and she seems to be here to stay. Her overtly ‘sexy bitch’ image on Bigg Boss was followed by a lackluster Channo number in the recent but already forgotten film, Gali Gali Chor Hai but Malik ensures she stays in gossip gallery whether with her spontaneous lip lock with Bobby Darling or her frequent disappearing acts from the sets of films she shoots for. Watch out for her in the next edition of NDTV Imagine’s Swayamvar series, decked up to choose a bridgegroom for herself. After all, only a country like ours would not only bother to host foreign actors with questionable talent but also take up the financial responsibility of marrying them off to a suitable match and getting them settled. I love my India!

Quote Unquote: “I knew that guys serious about getting married would send in their profiles, but over 71,000 is a number beyond my expectations. And though I was expecting entries from the UK, US, India and Pakistan, I found it surprising to see a large number of entries from Poland. I think Pakistani and Indian girls are famous for their beauty, family values and tradition, which is why even guys from Poland are interested.”

Sequel That!

When I studied film and advertising in my mass communications course, they both used to co-exist as separate subjects. But going by the current form of filmmaking, we might as well start clubbing the two while teaching it to film students especially. After all, anyone who wants to make a film will want to sell it profitably in the end, just like another product in the market. That means as a filmmaker you must no longer know how to differentiate a montage from a mis en scene, rather start devouring whatever texts you can on topics like ‘Advertising in the new millenium’, ‘How to build brand recall, ‘Creating brand identity’ etc. While at it, also pick up whatever skills of marketing you can with books with taglines that read like ‘Marketing for beginners’, ‘It’s all about effective outreach’, ‘Marketing guidelines now at your fingertips’ and so on. Futuristically speaking, we might have to move away the books that marked the history of cinema and filmmaking techniques and replace them with books on how to go about advertising and marketing read ‘promoting’ films adequately.

Our A-list stars, producers and directors spend a large amount of time and energy in making a film. Most of them will also agree that twice that amount of time and energy is required to first build a marketing strategy and then work on it these days. So if Vidya Balan was hitting the roads across cities in a heavily pregnant avatar to promote Kahaani, it obviously wasn’t because she had got used to baby bulk. No matter how good your film may be, the truth is you will have to be armed with heavy duty ammunition to get people in to theatres to promote your labour of love. And if not, take an easy way out and just cash in on the popularity of your last big hit and make a sequel. This also comes in handy when you are running out of good original story ideas, which is often the case with Bollywood.

You don’t need to be an advertising guru to figure out the strength of a film that has now become a brand by itself. Films like Hera Pheri, Don, Munnabhai, Dhoom and Golmaal have successfully proven, time and again that people like investing their money sheerly on brand recall. The value of the brand is as good as the way it fared last at the box office. In fact, most of these films have done better in their second editions thus not only satisfying the consumer audience’s expectations but making room for further versions.  It’s a win-win situation for all involved- the producer, distributor, director, cast and the audience.  Get the same cast with a few minor changes, at least one surprise in store to build excitement like another top star or a new pairing, give a few twists to the plot and keep the mood similar enough to generate brand recall and you have the ingredients to hit the jackpot, yet again. Housefull, Jism, Dabangg, Race, Krrish and Dostana are all banking on this formula for their second innings.

Frankly, with a few exceptions, I have no problems with such a concept but I do dread the making of sequels of films such as these:

Agneepath: Errr…the entire main cast died by the end of the film, what are we going to see next if not their resurrection aka punar janam?

3 Idiots: Hmm…the 3 idiots had found their calling by the end of the first film, this one would probably track the phenomenal love story of Mr and Mrs.Phunsuk Wangdu…yikes!

Love Aaj Kal: Considering this one was more a lesson in how to kill a love story in current times the next one would trace how couples will court in the next century titled Love Kal Parso.

Sholay: We had a great filmmaker called Ram Gopal Varma try to dissect this classic with his own remake, all we need is a sequel to tell us if Basanti ever stops talking or if Veeru and Basanti’s son grows up to be called Jai.

Faltu: Unlike the above mentioned films, this one is rumoured to be in the making. I hope this is just a rumour because if we have begun endorsing faltu films, it is time the industry simply shut down.

However, do not lose hope. We still have films that could be decently whipped up again to create more brand frenzy. After all there may come a time when people like their clothes, only watch ‘branded’ films too!

Paa 2: This will be baby Aaradhya’s debut film and will star Paa.Jr Abhishek Bachchan in the title role obviously with the entire Bachchan parivaar in tow. After all, they ARE family.

Phir Bhi Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: In this evergreen love triangular plot, Ranbir Kapoor will woo Deepika Padukone back into his life after courting Katrina Kaif for a while. Salman will reclaim his role of the other guy who in this case, will snatch away Katrina from the already slippery clutches of Ranbir. Lots of mushy songs will play in the background for good measure.

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jaayenge: Isn’t this film still playing matinee at Mumbai’s Marathi Mandir? Wonder what’s stopping Aditya Chopra from repeating the magic- now that Kajol is waiting for new scripts and SRK badly needs to rework his image and get back to playing mushy Rahul/Raj? Or wait, is that what Yash Chopra’s comeback film is all about? Just remember, you read it here first.

No One Killed Aarushi: God knows this film is waiting to happen and who else than Rani Mukherjee can play the role of a justice hungry journalist all out to nail the slimy culprit. The murderers need to be booked in a court and of course, Rani needs a meaty role to dig into and swear some more .

The Dirtier Picture: This one will star Mallika Sherawat and Frieda Pinto and tell you how they got rich and famous in America.

Don’t tell me that isn’t an enviable list eh? And don’t tell me I didn’t tell you if any of these films see the light of day. And to filmmakers who might bring these ideas to screen, I accept payments in cash or cheques, preferable hand delivered. Thank you.

One Hundred Years of ‘Bolly’tude

Pardon the sound of that last word but couldn’t help take a spin on Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s wonderful novel for this post. After all, what is it that drives millions of people, so diverse across cultures and boundaries of state, to come together and applaud and react to the silver screen in unison? What makes them one if not an attitude that has been nurtured and nourished on a regular dose of good old Bollywood cinema? And even cynics will have to agree that in spite of both foreign and regional language films coming to the fore in current times, the Hindi film industry does stand out not only in terms of the sheer numbers- i.e the quantity of films and amount of moolah it makes but in it’s unique ability to unite a nation of otherwise often disgruntled and disjointed people. The only other thing that binds us similarly is errr…corruption, yes, not even politics or cricket anymore.

Hindi films work for three reasons- no I am not going to say entertainment thrice, thank you very much. Although that was true of most films till small budget ‘thinking’ films started creating fissures in the tried and tested formula for a Bollywood blockbuster. So while once upon a time it took the powerful baton of art house cinema to crack the monopoly of commercial potboilers, today it is films made on a shoestring budget with potentially no star value that can strike a mean punch to the regular masala flick Bollywood is known for.  Now that we have completed 100 years though, may be it is time to shed the excess baggage meaning those silly gimmicks our film fraternity loves sticking to like they all learnt filmmaking from the same rule book. Let me know if you disagree.

The Sequel Mania:  You wouldn’t be wrong if you thought Bollywood has lost the plot. Because very often if a film does well, you can be sure that a sequel is in the making almost immediately. What beats the race is Dabangg 2 selling its television rights even before a single scene of the masterpiece is shot. But apart from the significant recall value, why can’t Bollywood get original ideas? More ranting on this in my next post.

The West Side Story: When not cashing in on a previous hit, we love to steal shamelessly. Just rip apart a great Hollywood flick scene by scene or borrow the basic plot, even better- call it an adaptation.

The Item Number: Ya, so the wolf howls and the owl hoots from the first four rows would have to go. But must every film pander to the cheap ritual of playing to the gullies and insert an item number when it is least expected or required? Even Malaika Arora has found an alternate profession by turning producer, it’s time we gave this trend a miss.

Woman on Top: Before you start getting ideas, I mean our female breed of actors have time and again proved that they can pull in the masses and classes even without the jhatkas and matkas.  It’s time they got their due in terms of money, screen space and substantial roles. It would be such a refreshing change to see women play their age for starters.



Going Oscar Wild: It’s time we accepted that just because we think a film deserves international accolades, it isn’t going to hit bull’s eye. We have been rooting for that golden statuette for nearly a 100 years now, but can we stop salivating for it please?

American Pie: I know every film star this side of the sub continent would love to star in a Hollywood film but considering our desi actors almost always get a raw deal in every Amreekan film, I am afraid it’s time our film stars dumped their firangi agents. 

The Guest Appearance:  Yes, we love seeing our favourite actors on the red carpet at Cannes, BAFTA, Oscars et al but it is mighty embarrassing when the overseas press reports deride an actor’s clothes and pass ‘who is that’ sort of remarks. It doesn’t help when our glitterati chooses to put on more than just their best foot forward like a fake accent, wannabe smile and dab their heavily made up eyes at the non existent paparazzi.  For all the Indian ‘exotica’ fervor that they exhibit, there is still a long way for Hollywood to respect us for what our film industry is worth. Anyone who saw A R Rahman’s ‘blink and you miss’ musical interludes at the Oscars will know what I am talking about.

The Publicity Overkill: If we have to imitate our Hollywood counterpart, we can probably take a page out of their PR book and understand how not to kill the excitement of watching a film by going on an information overdrive, making those inane TV appearances, giving countless interviews parroting the same promotional one liners and other shenanigans of the mandatory drill that a film release demands these days.

It’s time to celebrate a long and successful innings of the cinema we grew up watching- as kids, with parents, while dating, with our own kids…and so on and so forth. What a magnanimous century it has been and a salute is due to the Hindi cinema industry for treating us to such adrenaline pumping entertainment. It deserves all the accolades it is getting and if the new wave of filmmaking has its way,  sure looks like the best is yet to come! Khush toh bahut hoge tum….hain?!

WARNING: AGE DEFYING STUNTS AHEAD!

At a time when looking younger has become so important, and where dropping ten years from your face is just a botox shot away, it seems needless and even silly to try and look and act one’s age. So if you happen to be on the wrong side of 30, you better have accomplished at least one of these- a great bank balance, a wonderful life partner and a house over your head.  Add a great sense of style, a figure to match and possessing the secret to looking younger as you grow older and you are SET for life... think about it- aren’t at least one of these goals getting those worry lines on your head and keeping you awake at nights? Most of us in our late 20s and early 30s then, have sadly entered the mid life crisis our parents warned us about. Don’t say you didn’t see that coming. When 12 year olds can talk about their crushes and 22 year olds want to climb the career ladder twice the speed of light, it’s hardly surprising that most of us in our 30s are already contemplating early retirement within the next decade. What exactly is supposed to keep us busy the rest of our time if not the business of staying young and the pursuit of denying the truth that is our age?

Even though more women seem to be afflicted by the ‘got to get younger’ dilemma, the men aren’t very far from it.  After all, George Clooney and Richard Gere aren’t getting less dishy even as the grey in their hair demystifies their real age. So why should the men lag behind in trying to look dapper and pulling up their pants in the fight against their birth date? My dear Adam or Eve, I personally request you to quit embarrassing yourself and take a look at oft-committed mistakes we hardly notice as we grow older and seriously, spare yourself the torture:

·         I am no fashion guru but some sartorial tips may help you avoid getting laughed at behind your back. I can’t even begun to tell you how pathetic it feels when anybody tries to dress to look half their age.  Dumping that college wardrobe might be a good idea esp. when you seem to have crossed 30+. Na, the tummy crunches aren’t working and the only curves that your tight tee is showing off are your love handles. And the skinny jeans, as the name might suggest were meant to fit when you were exactly that- skinny!

·         Using slang like ‘wassup dude’ and misspelt words like ‘kewl’ can definitely make you sound younger -in the immature sense. Like you really decided to lash your angst against your English teacher and murder the language because she didn’t give you an A on your grammar test back in school. Get a life, speak the language properly if you ever learnt it the right way.

·         Drinking while trying to compete with younger colleagues just to show you can hold it better? This is as pathetic as it gets because your glass count is going to show either in the number of times you dash off to ‘take a leak’ (in the case of men) or ‘powder your nose’ (in the case of women). And if lying in your own puke is not your idea of a happy ending to your night out, you want to go easy on that heady vodka shot, right?

·         Please don’t try to pass of the ‘robot’ or the ‘head banging’ as dance. It ONLY looks cute on kids and you are old enough to have your own at your age in stead of pretending to be one yourself. 

           Hanging out with colleagues much younger to you does not make you one of them. Unless they ask you to come along with them for ‘time out’ and seem as natural as they do in office when outside with you, don’t try and push yourself on to them everytime they go ‘painting the town red’.

·         Being addressed as a maasi, mama, chacha or bhabhi is not such a bad thing. It gives your relationship with the concerned kin the identity and respect it deserves. Frankly I prefer it to being called Aunt or Uncle and definitely would not appreciate having a teenager niece or nephew calling me Kavita. And if you like being ‘buddies’ with them, well, I have always considered my Mom my bosom friend, didn’t necessitate me calling her by her first name.

·         Stop discussing your diet issues, hormonal imbalances and excessive weight gain as part of everyday conversation. Nothing can sound more stilted, day in and day out.

·         If you are married by now, be happy for yourself but don’t try to make those who aren’t look like losers. If you aren’t, don’t try to make those who are, look like they lost out on being single. Ever struck you that they might not WANT to be you.

Apart from following these tips, next time someone refers to your age, don’t cringe. They may be complimenting you on the grey in your head- but of course the cells, not the hair silly! And if not, smile and take it on your chin. After all, that’s the thing about age, isn’t it? Sooner or later it’s going to catch up with everyone.

The Interviewee’s Guide to Common Cliches

Most of us have given plenty of these. Every job warrants one at least if not several rounds of it. And if you are lucky, perhaps you have had only those where you ended up getting the job. Unlike a majority whose lives start resembling the life of a movie star- hopping from one interview to the other, only a tad less glamourous and self-satisfying! Ah…bad joke, I know. But having experienced quite a few myself, I have to come to identify some standing clichés which are bound to turn up in interviews, very often.
Here they are:

Q: So tell me a bit about yourself.
It can’t get more vague than this. And since it doesn’t specify timelines, you could start from the time you were born in to this world, right?

Q: Your work experience is strong but we will still need to see how good you really are.
I usually like to say ditto.

Q:  We would like to hire you, but only with a significant paycut.
Ah, killer line. It usually kills the joy of wanting the job or urges you to want to kill the person sitting opposite.

Q: We work like a family in here.
This usually means the employees in my organization don’t have a life beyond this place. They work 24/7 so don’t be surprised if you see them walking around with a toothbrush in their night pyjamas. And that thing you can smell is y’day’s stale pizza with spilt black coffee on the table. Feel free to clean up, after all, that's what families are meant for.

Q: We take our female employees’ safety very seriously.
You will be doing late nights very often, even if you are female.

Q: You will be given a laptop and Blackberry for office use.
You are so trapped. Ha ha! Working over weekends just got easier.

Q: We are looking for people with real passion for the job.
You should not expect increments and take the measly pay check without complaint.

Q: We don’t believe in hiring too many people.
That usually means ‘Neither can we afford to do so.’ Exploitation of a few will suffice.

Q: Let’s be in touch.
We wish to keep you hanging until we find a better candidate.

Q: We will get back to you shortly.
We are not interested. Thank you and Good bye.

The Block Against Writers

If you are a student of literature, I don’t need to eulogize about the literary power of writers and how marvelous it is to be one. The sheer ability to create worlds and make an ordinary reader part of it is a quality worth applauding and of course there are enough literary honours, titles and awards that deserving writers are recognized with every year for their contribution to the world of fiction as well as non fiction. The names of contemporary novelists like Amitav Ghosh, Salman Rushdie and Hanif Qureshi may light up the eyes of many avid readers but mind you, even though you may flock to attend the book launches or dissertations of these writers, the writing profession in reality has not yet been given due credit. The truth is not many people in this country, read. And please don’t tell me you have read all of the Harry Potter series and have just put down Revolution 2020 by Chetan Bhagat. I am talking serious literature here and there are enough Indian writers in English beyond the chick lit and rom com category whose books jostle for space among the various shelves stocking American bestsellers and Mills & Boons classics to catch your attention, if you only look carefully.

Naturally, when people of a country like ours have better things to invest time in than in good books, it goes without saying that very little will be made of your literary aspirations, that is, if you dare to have any. So imagine this situation: you ask your neighbour Lalita Aunty’s son what he wants to be when he grows up and he quips-“A Writer!” Before you can pat his back for daring to dream, pat comes Lalita Aunty’s rejoinder- “Oh! He has been reading too much of Enid Blyton these days. Beta, go do your homework now.” This is such a common occurrence in most homes that it hardly comes as a surprise. So if not doctors and engineers, there are IT jobs and enough ‘MBAs wanted’ posts available to help get your kid that hefty pay cheque and an occasional trip abroad thrown in. God forbid if kids want to turn their skills towards creative streams like writing…have the corporate giants of a burgeoning superpower run their treasuries dry that one must even contemplate the chances of such a horrid catastrophe?

My heart therefore goes out to the protagonist in John Irving’s The World According to Garp wherein people react awkwardly whenever Garp so much as mentions his profession. It doesn’t seem to help that he seems like a henpecked husband who keeps house, cooks and looks after the children while his wife teaches English at a nearby college. I can easily relate to his character especially when people appear flummoxed and give an uneasy pause, when I confide, “I have been writing these days.” It usually means they are waiting for me to elaborate. Or it could mean they don’t know how they might not offend me by asking me to do so. It’s easier to be a traveler or a socialite or even an art collector. At least these roles mean you are a legitimate spender of cash, so what if that’s courtesy, your husband’s numerous credit cards. At least it sounds glamorous, chic, eclectic and justifies the means towards a covetous end. While writing…it seems like such a dead weight task, eating away zillions of hours, demanding that you tuck yourself away from the world in a corner all by yourself, indulging your imagination- an anti-social pastime truly. I also remember attending a screen writing workshop once where the conductor whined about the lack of recognition writers get for their scripts and screenplays, often leading to bitter fights between producers and the writers for payment of dues. It is still a matter that is yet to see proper enforcement of copyright law but is just another example of the common writers’ plight, faced day in, day out.


What must one do to give the career of writing the respectability it deserves? Getting generation next to understand the need to write well is top priority if you ask me. That is a humongous task considering the only writing they do is BBM chat using words like ‘Wud u lyk to go 2 dat mov 2de?’ To which the reply is ‘K. C u dr. ‘Now I know what a senior professor who teaches cinema at a leading film school meant when he said to me, “You write such wonderful emails.” The fact that I used headers, body text and then a proper sign off left him amazed. He used to lament the use of ‘cutting edge’ language and abbreviations that left too much to decipher when reading class assignments! Yep, so task 2 is getting students to write out proper sentences that make grammatical sense. Mind you, this could be tougher than you think.

Finally, task 3 is to get people to read. Only when people start appreciating good literature, is when they will start recognizing the efforts of people who pen the same. And that is when mere hopefuls like me won’t have to hide my discomfort when I confess wanting to write my own book someday!